Postcards from the Dolphin

Dear Diary:

Sooooo BORED. BOR-ED!!!

Orlando's such a drag, man. It doesn't have that feel, you know? That shimmy and sway, the foxy tango and stuff. It's got no flavah, dawg.

It's not like Miami. You feelin' me, dude? It's not toolsy. I want to work a room here, but I can't find the nitro zone. Yo, Miami. Rock star. My stomach is saying go to The Forge, but for some reason I'm thinking Miami isn't such a good idea right now.

So it's Orlando. Boss is okay, for a starched shirt. You know the type. Doesn't know how to party. How to let off steam. How to splurge. First day we get here, and I'm all like ¡Vamos a trabajaaaaaaaaaar! And he's like, The Plan, remember The Plan. He's all committed to being responsible, to The Plan, he calls it. Sounds pretty good, but what do I know. I'm in this for the fun. Conquest. Red meat, dawg. If I want it, it's mine. Wheel and deal. Woof.

But Boss is Boss. I get that. Gotta lay low. Stick to our principles. Patience, dawg, patience. When we mean next year, we mean next year-next year. Already starting with Manny. Good man. I still feel bad about Tony. He might still be waiting by the phone, poor guy. But Manny's cool. He's young and hungry and won't mind losing. Me, I hate losing. Went to the playoffs one and a half times with the old team. That's a winner.

I pay attention to Boss, but I am who I am. Don't be a hater, dawg. What's up, player? I work the room, man. Suites, bars, ballrooms, conference rooms, bathrooms, it doesn't matter. I'm always up for a deal. Not much going on this time, but I do what I can. Looking at Wily Mo. Mo better, yo. See here. I look for three things in a player. One, did he used to be with the Reds. Two, is he toolsy-fast. Three, was he ever with the Reds. And two out of three ain't bad. Ha ha.

Got another call from the lawyers today. Krivsky again. What a tool! I get heat for the toolsy outfielder stuff, I get it. But you've ever seen a fool like this guy? Give me a reliever, I want a reliever, whaaaa my reliever's hurt, give me another reliever. I bet you, dude. I almost hopes he wins that win, thing, because I want to see the look on his face when he demands another reliever. Hold a press conference, Wayne! Pictures and TV! I'll help you with the threads, man. Try some leather pants, those work!

Got loose for a few minutes earlier. That's all it takes. Just a few minutes, and IT'S ON. Rumors fly, man. Call me Oster, dude, cuz I'm making shakes.

No, not Oester.

Gotta hand it to Boss, though, he's sharp. Real sharp. Dude, did he ever snuff out that rumor. Busted! Hey . . . here he comes. Gotta look busy. Be the crawfish, be the crawfish. Yeah, here's a folder. Rule 5. What's that? Oh yeah, that Rule 5. Let's see . . . Remember the name Ambiorix Concepcion.

Two words: Tools See.