Do you suffer from P.A.D.S.?

by RobBobS on Jun 10, 2011 8:04 PM EDT

Do you find yourself completely unable to score more than once a week? Do you experience frequent LOB and RISP-failure heartburn? If so, you may be a P.A.D.S. sufferer. P.A.D.S. is a treatable disorder characterized by excessive bunting, improperly aggressive baserunning, and a nauseated fan base. Left untreated, PADS can lead to painful losses, sudden drops in standings, and comatose sideline reporting.

But now you can rid yourself of these embarrassing statistical blemishes and unsightly box scores. Now there’s Offenza. Offenza is a safe, legal, over-the counter cure for bad offense. It’s a combination of power and patience that allows your team to score when you need it most.

Offenza is an effective treatment for ineffectual offenses, but it will not cure bad management. Frequent bullpen meltdowns are a serious baseball condition and require immediate roster attention. Use Offenza only as directed, and see your doctor if you have top quality players languishing in Low-A for more than four weeks.

If you or a loved one suffers from the symptoms of PADS, please, see a doctor, and ask about Offenza.

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Comments

Are gift prescriptions available?

"I don't believe in luck, but it was just one of those things where it wasn't really skill, either." --Jerry, jr.

by Doghouse on Jun 10, 2011 7:09 PM EDT reply actions

And does Offenza offer a discount card?

Patiently waiting for "next year" since 1971.

by Princess Jazzy on Jun 10, 2011 8:27 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions

Is it covered by my insurance?

And can I get a 90 day supply? I have when I can only have 30 at a time…

#pharmacyandinsurancehumoryeah!

Vivian Jaffe: "Have you ever transcended space and time?"
Albert Markovski: "Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about."

by Patrick Reddington on Jun 10, 2011 8:28 PM EDT up reply actions

Just one question, though...

Are their sidelines in baseball?

Vivian Jaffe: "Have you ever transcended space and time?"
Albert Markovski: "Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about."

by Patrick Reddington on Jun 10, 2011 8:29 PM EDT reply actions

Yes, but there are no bathtubs allowed on the field of play

Brain: "Pinky, are you pondering what i'm pondering?"
Pinky: "Yes, but isn't a cucumber that small called a gherkin?"

by jbg2772 on Jun 10, 2011 9:52 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs

Dang! Everyone loves seperate bathtubs!

Patiently waiting for "next year" since 1971.

by Princess Jazzy on Jun 11, 2011 3:21 AM EDT via mobile up reply actions

Should we seek medical attention if the game lasts longer than four hours?

by d_c_guy on Jun 10, 2011 9:07 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs

Is the generic name for Offenza Bryceharpermetaphin?

"I was a victim of a series of accidents. As are we all."
---Malachi Constant

by The Herndon Kid on Jun 11, 2011 10:32 AM EDT via mobile reply actions

Generics are not available until patent protection wears off after 5 years' service time.

Unfortunately, then the price goes UP.

"I don't believe in luck, but it was just one of those things where it wasn't really skill, either." --Jerry, jr.

by Doghouse on Jun 11, 2011 12:04 PM EDT up reply actions

I'm sure the makers of Offenza will go with a branded generic to corner the market...

Vivian Jaffe: "Have you ever transcended space and time?"
Albert Markovski: "Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about."

by Patrick Reddington on Jun 11, 2011 12:51 PM EDT up reply actions

#RobBobS head explodes#

Brain: "Pinky, are you pondering what i'm pondering?"
Pinky: "Yes, but isn't a cucumber that small called a gherkin?"

by jbg2772 on Jun 11, 2011 1:09 PM EDT up reply actions

Have you or a loved one take Offenza and now suffer from:

*lack of range?
*failure to run out grounders?
*short leads off base?
*decreased plate discipline?
*the American League?

if so please call the Goldwater Law Firm

by TJL on Jun 11, 2011 7:02 PM EDT reply actions 2 recs

brilliant

Aim for the head baby Jesus

by Doncosmic on Jun 12, 2011 10:09 AM EDT up reply actions

Just how well is Adam Dunn hitting at this point?

I’m assuming that’s what PADS means. He’s hitting .180, has an OPS of .657 and leads the AL in strikeouts. I believe he suffers from P.N.L.S and the Nats may really be suffering from P.J.W.S. syndrome.

Ryan Zimmerman’s agent has taken careful note of the last two months I’m sure. And the Lerners just paid Jayson Werth. And the Zim’s contract runs out after 2013. And Troy Tulowitzki was paid a king’s ransom to stay.

I’d start winning by next year, Nats.

Souldrummer twitters at @souldrummer25
If Sammy Solis would just learn Satchel Paige's "hesitation pitch", he'd be in DC right now.

by souldrummer on Jun 15, 2011 6:32 AM EDT reply actions

I believe it is still quite possible, even likely, for AD to get 30 home runs this year

and his OBP will finish above .350.

Rob

-- In baseball we trust.

by RobBobS on Jun 15, 2011 9:55 AM EDT up reply actions

AD is an OPS machine even when he is sucking

he is a god to the preachers of the three true outcomes. Also, the HR’s will come for him, he’s not that old, and it is just taking him time to adjust to being a DH.

Aim for the head baby Jesus

by Doncosmic on Jun 15, 2011 10:14 AM EDT up reply actions

Maybe.

Dunn0r has the “old man” skills, which are susceptible to that Sudden Cliff Falling-Off Syndrome as he grinds into his 30s. Of course, there’s no way to tell whether that’s what’s happening here or it really is just a matter of adaptation.

"I don't believe in luck, but it was just one of those things where it wasn't really skill, either." --Jerry, jr.

by Doghouse on Jun 15, 2011 11:30 AM EDT up reply actions

In other words, we're starting to see a decline relative to his past performance.

Some of this is likely league adjustment, but do you really want to be in the Adam Dunn business for four years?

I used to be a Souldrummer; now I'm just a simple man trying to educate the children of DC.

by jasoneducator on Jun 17, 2011 7:56 AM EDT up reply actions

They can still hit .500 this year

and they can tell Zimm’s agent that better D at 1st makes zimm look better, plus they are going to have to shell out big time for Zimm, otherwise they are going to be stuck with Abe Pollin syndrome forever.

Aim for the head baby Jesus

by Doncosmic on Jun 15, 2011 10:16 AM EDT up reply actions

Ouch

it hurts because it’s true. I loved Abe Pollin for his passion for the team/sport, loyalty to his players, and contributions to the community (quick: who else in the past 20 years has funded his own arena/stadium?); however, when the high point for 20 years is getting into the playoffs and out of the first round once, the mice of mediocrity are rampant.

Brain: "Pinky, are you pondering what i'm pondering?"
Pinky: "Yes, but isn't a cucumber that small called a gherkin?"

by jbg2772 on Jun 15, 2011 11:43 AM EDT up reply actions

Abe did it and Jack Kent Cook did it as well

The Bullets/Wizards got such a reputation for being cheap that they eventually had to hand out terrible contracts just to keep the trust of the fans and the league. The Juwan Howard and Gilbert Arenas deals are examples of this. The Nationals got into the same situation a bit, but at least the Werth deal isn’t the kind that can kill a franchise, plus the Strasburg and Harper stuff, and the continued drafting of Boras clients should kill any notion that the Lerners are cheap. Still, if Zimm leaves, this franchise is dead.

Aim for the head baby Jesus

by Doncosmic on Jun 15, 2011 5:22 PM EDT up reply actions 1 recs

Disagree about Zim

Still, if Zimm leaves, this franchise is dead.

It would hurt a lot, no doubt about it. But if they’re winning with Strasburg, Zimmermann, Solis, Cole & Peacock in the rotation and Harper, Werth, Ramos, Rendon, Espinosa and Morse … the franchise would do just fine.

But I’d rather they be winning WITH Zimmerman :-)

by d_c_guy on Jun 15, 2011 10:52 PM EDT up reply actions

This.

No hitter is a franchise in my opinion if the franchise is legit. The Phillies lost Utley and Howard for extended stretches last year and still made a playoff run. Shouldn’t we have an equally resilient roster?

I used to be a Souldrummer; now I'm just a simple man trying to educate the children of DC.

by jasoneducator on Jun 17, 2011 7:59 AM EDT up reply actions

That's not what I meant

I meant that if the Nats don’t put up the money to resign him, they will lose the fans forever.

Aim for the head baby Jesus

by Doncosmic on Jun 17, 2011 10:33 AM EDT up reply actions

Again, Disagree

If they are winning 90+ games a season, the fans will be sad but they’ll still be there. Some innocence may be lost in the transaction.

Texas dumped A-Rod, but the fans seem OK with that. The Cubs let Greg Maddux go and continue to fill Wrigley despite the lousy, aggravating teams. It wasn’t Mike Mussina going to the Yankees that deflated O’s fans, it was the lousy teams.

Here’s hoping this is all moot anyway :-)

by d_c_guy on Jun 17, 2011 11:58 AM EDT up reply actions

I will say that keeping the FOTF makes keeping the fans a lot easier

It’s just not impossible without him.

by d_c_guy on Jun 17, 2011 11:59 AM EDT up reply actions

More this.

It’s about wins and losses. It would also be about how they let him go. But let’s face it, they have struggled to draw flies for an extended period of time with Zim and the 8 dwarves. The people come to see Strasburg. The local media come to see Strasburg. We might get irate if Zim leaves, but we are not typical Nats fans. We’re junkies!

I used to be a Souldrummer; now I'm just a simple man trying to educate the children of DC.

by jasoneducator on Jun 18, 2011 6:21 AM EDT up reply actions

Well, on the O's front, I gotta say that Maier did more than Mussina.

(Also, Kevin Brown. DID NOT WANT)

"I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you."
-Leslie Nielsen, Airplane

by Jorgath on Jun 18, 2011 7:47 AM EDT up reply actions

Moose was great for the Yankees

He won 123 games in eight years for the team, including his only 20 game season. Arguably he is the exception to the rule that you don’t sign pitchers to multi-year deals.

Maier was the best friend the O’s every had, enabling a whole generation of fans claiming that they coulda, shoulda, woulda been champions but for him. Ignoring the fact that the Yankees still might have won that game, and even if they had lost the game they had spent the whole season beating the O’s (and especially Armando Benitez) like a rented mule and there was no reason to think that would change. This blindness has given them an lifeline to cling to as their team sank into oblivion.

by d_c_guy on Jun 18, 2011 11:15 AM EDT up reply actions