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Operation: Alfonso

George Washington once remarked, Inaction is the opposite of . . . action and, as a consequence, it . . . um . . . really sucks.

All right, you got me. The Father of our country didn't really say that. But I'm sure he thought something along those lines once or twice. He was, as last night's History Channel profile, George Washington: Warrior, characterized him, "America's first action hero."

Die Hard. Die Hard on a plane. Die Hard on a train. Die Hard in a boat. Die Hard, Valley Forge?

Anyway, taking action is good; that's sort of the implied rule of electioneering, I suppose. There's an old episode of The Simpsons (Episode No. 7F19, according to the Poindexters on teh internets) where Bart runs for president of the fourth grade class---against Martin, the rather wussified brainiac. Bart's got the sentiment of the masses on his side; the execution, on the other hand, is weak. At recess, he learns that none of his supporters voted for him. His sidekick, Milhouse, didn't vote for him. Even he didn't vote for himself. They all forgot.

Bart rushes back to the classroom, but his sudden spurt of electoral sentience is to no avail. He arrives to hear the teacher, Ms. Krabappel, announce the results with a certain sardonic glee:

Bart: I demand a recount!
Ms. K: [counts the votes] One for Martin. Two for Martin. Would you like another recount?
Bart: [realizing he's beat] No.
Ms. K: [enjoying it] Well, I just want to make sure. One for Martin. Two for Martin. [chuckles]

This evening, the Good Phight was discussing potential all-stars among the Phillies and Nationals, who are in the midst of a three-game set up in Philly. (I haven't really been paying close attention, but it would seem that the phightin' Phils are on the verge of sweeping the thing.) The following players were mentioned:

  • Chase Utley (Philly)
  • Ryan Howard (Philly)
  • Bobby Abreu (Philly)
  • Pat Burrell (Philly)
  • Nick Johnson (Washington)
  • Alfonso Soriano (Washington)
Well, funny the Phighters should mention that, because noted this evening that Soriano is smack dab in the mix of the NL outfielder popular vote. He ranks fifth---and, obviously, there are three qualifiers.

Provided Soriano hangs in DC until the all-star break (I don't want anyone bogarting an all-star away from us, a la Gary Sheffield and the '93 Padres/Marlins), I think we have to do what we can to get Soriano into the starting lineup. You know why? Well, first, because he's having an awesome year. And, second, you know who was touting as the subject of "Vote him in!" exhortations last season at this time?

Vinny Crunkin' Castilla.

Meaning no disrespect to the Oaxacan Ox, that's utterly pathetic. To be sure, he was hot as a firecracker last April (remember when some of the bloggers issued temporary no-Castilla-criticism moratoriums in response?), but he limped into the all-star break at .253/.330/.397. He hit .202/.250/.326 in June!

So, this season we have to protect our genuine article. We have to get Alfonso Soriano into the starting lineup.

How do we do it? No clue.

Perhaps we could frame Jim Edmonds in a money laundering conspiracy? Contact the Friends of Ichiro! ballot stuffers? Just let nature take its course and find Ken Griffey Jr.'s name on the disabled list?

I don't know; you tell me. But we have to do something.