clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

SHOCKING FOOTAGE: Nationals' Bryce Harper might actually be a cyborg

New, 9 comments

In shocking footage captured during the series finale in San Diego's Petco Park, Bryce Harper's specialized electronic eye caught the sunlight for a brief second and was captured by television cameras. Everything is going to change now. Everything...

Screencap via MLB.com's Cut 4 and MASN
Screencap via MLB.com's Cut 4 and MASN

We had our suspicions, what with the superhuman production this season and over the course of his baseball career from high school to JUCO, the minors and majors. Back in 2010, before that June's Draft, New York Times' writer Alan Schwarz described the then-budding star quite accurately in a profile on Bryce Harper that broke down what scouts saw when they looked at the prospective Washington Nationals' 2010 no.1 overall pick.

"As far as [scouts] are concerned, Harper is a tape-measure-testing, laser-throwing, eyeblack-oozing baseball cyborg." -Alan Schwarz, New York Times 2010

"Baseball scouts can have the bowed perspective of an Escher print," Schwarz wrote, "but most insist they have seen no player this good this soon. As far as they are concerned, Harper is a tape-measure-testing, laser-throwing, eyeblack-oozing baseball cyborg."

Was it eyeblack "oozing" out of Harper's eyes and pores, or earl?

Harper was just 17 then. Apparently whatever shadowy company produced this baseball cyborg has made a number of improvements since then.

We have been unable to confirm reports of this speculation, but after he experienced navigational difficulties in Los Angeles in 2013 that led to a knee injury and suffered a hand malfunction last season, there were apparently some upgrades made to the original model. The results thus far this season are astounding.

Through 39 games, Harper 2.0 (or is it Harper 3.0?) has already passed last season's home run total, with 14 after he homered on Sunday in San Diego, he's leading the majors in fWAR (+2.9), wRC+ (215), ISO (.391), BB% (21.2%) and he's second in the majors in HRs (room for improvement shadowy cyborg creator?).

Alas, there may be trouble soon, because MLB.com's Cut 4 crew caught an incriminating image yesterday.

We should have seen it coming. Especially with the way he was locked in at the plate and seemingly invincible early this season.

San Diego Padres' skipper Bud Black told reporters yesterday how difficult it is to face Harper right now:

"Right now, he's seeing the ball so well that there's no weakness," Black said.

Apparently that may be a result of the improvement with Harper's specialized electronic eye, which MLB and MASN's cameras inadvertently captured during the series finale in Petco Park.

HERE'S THE SHOCKING VIDEO:

HarperEye.GIF

(via MLB.com's Cut 4)

Don't be alarmed. It's not like the Harpbot has his sights set on world domination or anything. In fact, he seems to be solely determined to dominate the baseball world.

Is Mike Rizzo the genius mastermind behind the baseball cyborg?

Did he get tired of prospects "malfunctioning" and not living up to his scouting reports?

Will MLB step in if Harper continues to dominate the opposition?

Harper eyeblack oozing