Welcome to the first installment of NatAnagrams, where we analyze Nationals players not by their statistics but through the magic of anagrams. We will take each player's name apart and put it back together again and read the resulting tea leaves to find out what each player brings to the team.
Today we will look at all the starting pitchers that the Nationals have in spring training this year. You will not recognize any names because all names have been reconstructed (in bold) for your edification. Have fun figuring out who is who. Use the [cheat] links if you truly can't work out an anagram on your own.
The ace of the Nationals' rotation is none other than the man of Super Strength Abs! That's right, folks, he's in the best shape of his life coming into this season and that is only the start of what we know about him. He plays the game with a bit of an attitude (Brash Urgent Steps), but has the raw natural talent to get it done even when he talks big (Brag Sphere Stunts). Not only can he pitch, he's pretty good with the bat as well (Grunt Bats Spheres). He owns both a dog and a cat and trust me, both the Brashest Stern Pug and the Bear Strength Puss reflect the prodigious mental and physical strength that this man possesses. [cheat]
Our second pitcher is from out of this world. Nobody knows where exactly he came from, but he sure isn't human.
We're not even sure if he's a he. Yes, we're talking about none other than the Glazing Ooze! Batters can't read him.
He throws both righty and lefty in any given at bat and he just doesn't seem to tire out nearly as fast as most of the puny human pitchers. [cheat]
Pitcher number three is that scary Russian dynamo who claims to be a successor of Rasputin. He may not be the most talented pitcher out there, but everybody knows that sometimes when someone hits a home run off of this guy, bad things mysteriously happen to the batter. In dog eat dog leagues like this one you can be sure that the Czar, Mr. Hexes is sure to be one of the last guys standing. Don't ever look him in the eyes. [cheat]
After the big three there is a clear drop off in quality for the Nationals. At the moment it looks like there are six pitchers competing for the last two spots in the rotation but only time will tell which two rise to the top.
From the Australian outback comes the wild and wily Jess Roo. He used to be an Australian cowboy who wrestled saltwater crocodiles for fun. He is by far the most handsome man here at camp so far, what with his long golden hair. There are rumors that he is actually a she, but that seems far-fetched. Who ever heard of a girl wrestling saltwater crocodiles? [cheat]
The Vegas showman, Narrator Ken, is sure to make every start he makes exciting to watch. He made his name by hijacking the broadcast feed and doing color commentary live while he was pitching. It took them three innings to cut him off, and by then the fans wanted more. And he sure did deliver more. Who can forget how much trouble he got in when he brought along a little extra firepower to the mound? (Tank, An Error) [cheat]
There's the loony
Also here is that controversial figure colloquially known as Noon Orb Rosary. He is a masked priest trying to make it into the big leagues to raise money for orphans in his village in
Cajole. The man. The legend. Okay, to be fair the only thing he is known for is his control. He throws. The ball looks like it's going to be high or outside, but somehow he'll bend it back into the strike zone. Just barely back in, and he does get hammered hard sometimes, but he's a veteran with skills and experience and he's here to ride the big league train one more time. [cheat]
Last and also everyone's least favorite pitcher is Oily Thrall. The fans do not like him. The fans do not like anyone who likes him. He knows how to pitch just well enough to earn himself time in the big leagues, but everybody who looks at him just has that nagging feeling that something is off. It's just that nobody can put their finger on just what it is that bugs them. [cheat]
And that's the who's who of the starting pitchers the Nationals have in camp this year. It's going to be an exciting year.
Did our analysis help you decide who your favorite starting pitcher is? Is there a pitcher on the fringe who you are rooting for now that you know more about him? Let us know in the comments.
Another episode of NatAnagrams will come out soon in which we continue to explore players of the Washington Nationals as Spring Training gets underway.