2017 MLB All-Star Game: Wild, insane, crazy predictions

Tonight is the 88th annual Major League Baseball All-Star Game, being played in beautiful impressive extensively designed Marlins Park in Miami, Florida.

Though the game’s main storyline has already been set (Sale vs Scherzer, Harper vs Judge, etc.), there are still some things left to be decided. Here are some incredibly wild, unbelievable predictions for your personal edification.

#1: A team will win, one will lose, but everyone will have fun:

Look, I get it. This one is a guarantee. Actually it isn’t, because the game could hypothetically end in a tie. But that’s not the point. This game could be the turning point for Bryce Harper’s “Make Baseball Fun Again” campaign from last year — because the game no longer has any implications on home field advantage in the World Series, players don’t have to be fully serious. Which means stuff like this can happen.

#2: Bryce Harper probably isn’t going to have the night of his life:

Harper, in four previous All-Star Games, has gone 1-for-8 with a dropped fly ball or two. In other words, not exactly the high level of play we’ve come to expect from him.

#3: Max Scherzer and Chris Sale will both pitch two scoreless innings and then exit:

The Nats, Red Sox, and their fans are the winners here, seeing as they need these pitchers (hopefully) long into October. Everyone else isn’t exactly going to be so happy about this, but they’ll deal with it.

#4: There will be one visibly empty seat directly behind home plate in the sightline of the camera for the entire game, and it is going to make everyone angry:

Rob Manfred will not be happy. Players won’t be happy. Fans won’t be happy because they couldn’t sit in that seat. Jeffrey Loria, well, he won’t really care (although maybe he’ll find someone to sue).

#5: Ryan Zimmerman or Daniel Murphy will go yard at some point, because why not:

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#6: X player bats in (number greater than two) runs, receives large truck:

Really, really, really rooting for this to be Jose Altuve so that we can just see that picture. Other pictures we hope to see include Jose Altuve and Aaron Judge running directly behind each other towards home plate.

#7: American League defeats National League, for no apparent reason at all:

Yes, this bullpen is slightly better than that of the Nats, but someone on the AL will hit two home runs (one off of Max Scherzer, one off of Carlos Martinez, who’s slated to follow him) and that will be that. Then again, there’s no real way to know.